The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

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Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Judge: Litigator!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.


Ancestry dot com returned my check with a note saying every ancestor in my family was a horse thief. Every one.


We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.


Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.


*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*


Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?


Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.


Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room


What’s your weapon of choice in the zombie apocalypse? Mine is a slower person.


Waking on campus and some girl said, “I like you a lot.” And I turned around and said thank you and realized she talking to the guy with her