The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
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Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.