The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
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I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Facebook memories be like
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.