The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
The first one, obviously
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?