If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think