The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin