The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
You Might Also Like
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The sacred texts.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I hate everything
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?