@AmishPornStar1

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

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@MaybePileJokes

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

@DanMentos

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@MumInBits

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

@UnFitz

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

@internetluke

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

@WilliamRodgers

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

@Pat_Bren

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.

@meganamram

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though