@Talk_To_The_Hat I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
@AmishPornStar1 The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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@Talk_To_The_Hat 
@Lovestained555 Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
@AnecdtlBrthCtrl Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
@LackOfShame Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
@45_mag “Ninja please” -Japanese people
@djdarrellripley Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
@stephenjmolloy Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
@thelateinnings chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
@meganamram In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
@SalmaElWardany1 Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.