@AmishPornStar1
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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@MaybePileJokes
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
@DanMentos
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
@dmc1138
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
@MumInBits
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
@UnFitz
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
@internetluke
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
@WilliamRodgers
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
@Pat_Bren
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.
@meganamram
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though