@TheBoydP: *Goes to work* *Punches clock* *Gets fired for breaking clock*

@TumblrsFunnies:

@daemonic3: FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car [hours later after date] HER: It's been 18 miles ME: I insist HER: But you drove both of us

@SamDelanche: My boss just asked if I'm illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!