
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

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*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though