@AmishPornStar1

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

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@LackOfShame

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

@stephenjmolloy

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

@thelateinnings

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

@SalmaElWardany1

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.