The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?