The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88掳 weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone鈥檚 vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It鈥檚 so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I am an influencer.
If you aren鈥檛 influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
This is Damn delicious!馃構馃構馃構
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.