The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.