The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.