@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

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@rikpayne

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.

@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

@MeganBaca1

Sitting behind a couple in this theater that’s making out. I’m gonna lean forward and whisper “This is nice” in a minute.

@Mardigroan

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

@wgkcss

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

@KentWGraham

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

@caliluvgirl77

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

@SharpeBytes

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being