Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?