The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
he’s sick of your bullshit today
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT