@ldsfilmguy

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

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@sweetandweak

Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”

One day her picture will be on money.

@BoozyMusic

“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip

@WheelTod

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

@IamEnidColeslaw

watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them

@HatfieldAnne

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

@withanewname

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@FancyNancyAnn

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

@LilMoose77

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.