The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

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Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”

One day her picture will be on money.


“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip


Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”


watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them


*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”


TSA: here try again
TSA: here try again
TSA: here try again
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.


If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.


I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.


Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.