“The Perfect Relationship”
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂