My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Always a housemaid, never a house.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈