@JKickinit30

The perks of being single:
* not having to share the remote
* sleeping diagonal in bed
* never having to clear browser history

You Might Also Like

@ItsAndyRyan

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

@unclesshane

in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS

@DistractedMomma

Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.

@JasonLastname

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

@StellaRtwot

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@vinnycrack

Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

@RunOldMan

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

@jkstills

*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*