The perks of being single:
* not having to share the remote
* sleeping diagonal in bed
* never having to clear browser history

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“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.


in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS


Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.


Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.


Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.


Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.


I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.


*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*