William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich