The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too