The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day