@impaulmccoy

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

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@Shade510

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

@JeauxAlejandro

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

@ShortSleeveSuit

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray

I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s

@ArfMeasures

COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment

@MatCro

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

@TheToddWilliams

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}