Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.