I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
that colleague who touches your screen
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”