@LADaddy

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

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@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@trevso_electric

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

@LackOfShame

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

@capnmcfword

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

@Twisted_Mettle

RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.

@RandomAntics

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

@thatdutchperson

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.