The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.