The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Very good news from my accountant
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.