The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.