The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.


[Desert island]
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats


The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)


People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer


[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*comes back dressed as Yoda*


Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.


Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.


I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.


do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots


Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”