@Love_bug1016

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

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@skittle624

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@TheMichaelRock

The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)

@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

@MartaEffing

[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*leaves*
*comes back dressed as Yoda*

@BuckyIsotope

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

@jellybnbonanza

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

@Halbeerz

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

@starstrickenSF

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”