@Love_bug1016

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

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@krissywillbretz

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

@papasuncle

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

@brunopieroni

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

@aotakeo

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@aka_fatman

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

@enigmaterics

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

@JhonRules

Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.

@TheTweetOfGod

I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.