The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake