I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
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*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
a god among men
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ