the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My birthstone is kidney
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Lmao the reply
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?