I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The answer I didn’t know I was looking for
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.