@ddsmidt

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

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@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@kimtopher22

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

@GrandadJFreeman

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@pittdave13

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

@krisv_723

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

@sammyrhodes

Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.