The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend