The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.