The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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That de-escalated quickly
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Still cracks me up
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*