the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.