@meh_thinks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

- @meh_thinks

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@angibangie

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

@TomSchally

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ?
and cousins toooo ?

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo

@KentWGraham

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

@ceejoyner

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

@clindsaysway

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

@plumbur

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.