The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
pep talk
a public service announcement
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice