The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
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The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Happy thanksgiving
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My plans: 2020:
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.