me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.