Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
A short story of betrayal:
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool