The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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What’s this sorcery? 😂
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My daily affirmation
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.