The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”