The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I WON A HAM TODAY
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.