The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

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“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane


Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.


[first date]

*don’t let her know you’re a huge Lionel Richie fan or that you’re Waldo*

Her: Hi!

“Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”


FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”


I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.


The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.


I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.


I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.


theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him


you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice