@UnFitz

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

You Might Also Like

@moutheaters

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@Mr_Kapowski

[first date]

*don’t let her know you’re a huge Lionel Richie fan or that you’re Waldo*

Her: Hi!

“Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”

@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@BreadFoster

I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.

@SteveKoehler22

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

@WittySassBasket

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@fart

theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him

@prettysadmostly

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice