If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My cardio is mostly just running out of excuses not to exercise.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
Me: Get dressed, please.
Me: Please get dressed.
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
Me: Put your clothes on.
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.