@UnFitz

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

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@jackmackenroth

If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.

@UncleDuke1969

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

@DannyZuker

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@markydoodoo

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

@Jake_Vig

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

@DadandBuried

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

@rebrafsim

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

@jake_lach

In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.