The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move