The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that