The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.