Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Real House Wines.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.