The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
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The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.