The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
the council will decide your fate
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
(more comics:
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”