Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”
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ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
*raises the bar
16 yrs later]
Bar: even though you weren’t my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad.
*me trying not to cry
M: It’s a boat!
Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”