The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
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There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.