The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”


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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?


[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.


*raises the bar

16 yrs later]

Bar: even though you weren’t my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad.

*me trying not to cry


[Desert island]
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats


It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.


Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?


Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.


me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me


DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*


Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”