The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
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According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.