the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?