@agathagotstoned: The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea. Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
@ColesTwitt3r: i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
@BonaFideIntent: HR: Me: HR: Me: HR:..87. Karen has lost 87 PERCENT VISION.. Me: HR: Me:..she looked at my cheese stick.. HR: Me: HR: Me: *eats cheese stick*