The plane starts going down. I say, “If we die, know that hat is hideous”. We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn’t spoken to me since.

You Might Also Like


[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug


Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?


I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.


I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..


I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.


Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.


[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*


You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.


those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake